How to Tell If Couples Therapy Is Helping (It’s Not Always Instant)
When partners enter couples therapy, there is often a quiet, unspoken urgency beneath the surface: We’re here, but will this actually help? That urgency can be born from fear, longing, exhaustion, or a final attempt at repair. For many, therapy feels like the last bridge between staying and letting go.
Yet the truth is, the process of relational healing rarely follows a straight line. It doesn’t deliver clarity on demand or resolution in a tidy arc. Instead, it asks us to slow down, to tolerate ambiguity, to listen differently—not only to each other, but to ourselves.
If you’ve started therapy with your partner and find yourself wondering, Are we making progress?, this is for you. The answer may not always be found in dramatic changes, but rather in the gradual and profound reshaping of how you relate, respond, and reimagine what connection looks like.
1. Your Dialogue Is Becoming More Intentional—Even If It’s Still Uneasy
You may still find yourselves returning to familiar tensions: the recurring disagreements over finances, intimacy, family boundaries, or emotional needs. But beneath the content of the conversation, something more foundational may be shifting—the quality of your communication.
Perhaps you…
Pause long enough to consider what your partner meant, rather than reacting to what was said.
Begin to observe your tone and timing with more awareness.
Resist the impulse to escalate and instead stay present, even in discomfort.
Initiate repair when things go sideways, not perfectly—but sooner.
These are not superficial changes. As Dr. Sue Johnson has long emphasized in her work with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), it is not the presence of conflict that erodes connection, but the loss of emotional responsiveness. Therapy works when partners begin to attune to one another—when they can say, “I see you hurting, and I want to understand why,” even if they don’t yet know how to fix it.
You may still stumble, raise your voice, or misstep. But if your intention is shifting—from defending your position to seeking deeper contact—you are already doing the work.
2. You’ve Started to Recognize the Cycle, Not Just the Symptoms
In nearly every distressed couple, there is a cyclical pattern beneath the surface—a repetitive emotional loop that governs conflict. One partner withdraws, the other pursues. One becomes critical, the other defensive. It’s not about good or bad, right or wrong—it’s about protection.
Stan Tatkin, developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), teaches that these patterns are driven by our neurobiology. Under relational stress, our primitive systems hijack the connection. We default to survival strategies—fight, flight, freeze—that may have once protected us but now only deepen the disconnect.
Therapy becomes transformative when you begin to see the pattern—not just feel trapped inside it. When you can step back and say, “This isn’t just you or me. This is our loop. And we both feed it.” That moment of recognition, of shared ownership, breaks the illusion that the other person is the problem. Instead, the focus shifts to the dynamic itself.
And once you can name the pattern, you can begin to change it.
3. Emotional Safety Is Reemerging—Even If It Feels Fragile
Many couples arrive in therapy asking for better communication, when what they’re actually seeking is emotional safety. Communication is the skill—but safety is the soil. Without it, nothing can take root.
Safety is not the absence of disagreement. It is the presence of relational security: the deep knowing that I can bring the truth of who I am into this space, and I will not be punished for it. That kind of safety allows for vulnerability, curiosity, and repair.
You may begin to notice:
A willingness to express needs or fears that were previously hidden.
A softening in the way you receive your partner’s honesty—even when it’s hard to hear.
A reduction in reactivity, replaced by thoughtful engagement.
Esther Perel speaks eloquently about the paradox of intimacy: the need for both safety and mystery, closeness and autonomy. Therapy, when effective, helps couples hold these tensions more skillfully. Emotional safety isn’t the endpoint—it’s the foundation that allows all other growth to unfold.
4. Curiosity Is Replacing Certainty
In distressed relationships, we often cling to certainty as a defense: “You never listen.” “You always shut me out.” This certainty becomes a shield, protecting us from the vulnerability of not knowing.
But healing begins when certainty is replaced by curiosity.
“What did that mean to you?”
“How did that land when I said it?”
“Can you help me understand what you’re feeling right now?”
This shift may feel small, but it is profound. Curiosity opens space for empathy. It signals that your partner is no longer the enemy of your narrative, but the co-author of your shared story.
When couples therapy is working, you begin to ask—not accuse. You listen—not to defend, but to understand. And in that space, something sacred reawakens: the possibility of knowing each other again.
5. Repair Is Happening With Greater Intention and Frequency
Conflict is inevitable. What distinguishes thriving relationships from those that fracture is not the absence of rupture, but the presence of repair.
When therapy is taking root, you’ll notice that you begin returning to one another after disconnection—not just with apologies, but with a desire to restore closeness. You reach for one another more quickly. You reflect more honestly. You offer comfort without demanding resolution.
Repair might sound like:
“I reacted from a place of fear, and I want to try again.”
“I understand now why that felt so painful for you.”
“Even when we argue, I want you to know I’m here.”
These moments are not merely symbolic—they’re the building blocks of secure attachment. They remind the nervous system that conflict does not mean abandonment, and that connection can survive tension.
6. You Feel a Renewed Sense of Investment, Even Amid Uncertainty
Not all progress feels good. Sometimes it looks like tears, discomfort, or the terrifying feeling of letting go of an old story. But within that emotional turbulence, something begins to stir: a renewed investment in the relationship.
You may notice yourself returning to the partnership—not out of obligation, but from a place of choice. You want to try. You want to understand. You want to feel connected again, even if you don’t yet know how.
This renewed engagement may not always feel like hope. Sometimes it feels like willingness. A willingness to sit in the hard conversations. To speak your truth. To risk being wrong. That willingness is the heartbeat of relational transformation.
When Therapy Isn’t Helping—And What To Do About It
There are also times when couples therapy doesn’t feel like it’s moving the needle. And that deserves attention.
Therapy may not be serving you if:
Sessions consistently leave you feeling worse, unheard, or blamed.
One or both partners disengage from the process or actively resist reflection.
The couples therapist avoids addressing harm, imbalance, or trauma dynamics.
There is a persistent sense of stagnation without insight, accountability, or new tools.
This does not necessarily mean your relationship is beyond help—but it may mean the therapeutic fit or method isn’t aligned. Speak up. Bring your concerns into the room. A competent couples therapist will welcome the feedback and adjust the process. If they don’t, you are well within your right to seek care elsewhere.
Your relationship deserves to be held in a space that is both challenging and compassionate.
Transformation Is Often Subtle, but Never Superficial
There is a kind of grace in the slow, deliberate unfolding of relational healing. It is not showy. It rarely offers grand gestures or cinematic breakthroughs. But it lives in the in-between moments:
The soft exhale after an argument that didn’t end in rupture.
The return to conversation after silence.
The gaze that says, “I’m still here.”
Couples therapy is working when you begin to reclaim the capacity to reach for one another—after pain, after misunderstanding, after disconnection. You’ll know it’s working not because everything is easy, but because you’re showing up differently in the hard things. And that, more than anything, is what sustains love that endures.
Is Therapy Even Working? What You Might Be Missing in Couples Therapy in Minnesota
Healing in relationships isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes it shows up in a softer voice, a longer pause, or the quiet decision to stay present. At NobleTree Therapy, our approach to couples therapy in Minnesota honors the subtle, powerful shifts that build lasting connection over time. You don’t have to be in crisis to begin—you just have to be willing to grow together, one step at a time.
Schedule a free consultation to see if our approach feels like a fit
Learn more about our couples therapists in Minnesota
Begin a therapy process that moves at the pace of trust, repair, and real change.
Other Therapy Services at NobleTree Therapy in Minnesota
At NobleTree Therapy, we understand that healing rarely follows a straight line. Whether you're working through relationship challenges, untangling long-held beliefs about your worth, or simply learning to stay present in the hard moments, our therapists walk with you—at your pace.
In addition to couples therapy in Minnesota, we offer LGBTQIA+ affirming individual therapy, support for religious and spiritual trauma, and space for identity exploration without needing to justify your pain. We also help clients navigate grief, loss, and burnout—not by rushing to resolution, but by making room for nuance, slowness, and self-trust.
Here, you don’t have to arrive with clarity or confidence. You just have to be willing to start. We’ll meet you in the middle—with care that honors the quiet, courageous work of change.
About the Author
Kendra Snyder, MA, LMFT, NCC (she/her) is the founder of NobleTree Therapy and a licensed trauma therapist practicing in both Minnesota and Colorado. With over a decade of experience, Kendra specializes in depth-oriented, somatic, and relational therapy, helping individuals and couples heal at the nervous system level while exploring the deeper stories that shape their identities. She is particularly passionate about supporting those navigating religious trauma, spiritual abuse, identity reclamation, and attachment wounds—including adoptees, creatives, and queer-identified clients.
As both a survivor and clinician, Kendra brings personal insight and clinical depth to her work, offering care that is curious, compassionate, and firmly rooted in the belief that healing doesn’t always move in straight lines. Her approach to couples therapy centers on emotional safety, slowness, and reconnection—meeting clients in the moments between rupture and repair, and helping them move toward a more spacious, authentic connection.