Learning to Repair, Not Just Apologize: Why Conflict Skills Matter in Relationships
Conflict is not the opposite of love. In fact, it’s often an invitation deeper into it.
Many of us—especially those raised in environments that feared confrontation or demanded perfection—grew up believing that a “healthy” relationship meant one without arguments. No tension. No raised voices. No uncomfortable silences. But as renowned couples therapist Dr. Sue Johnson reminds us, conflict is not what breaks a relationship. Emotional disconnection is. Conflict is inevitable. What matters is how we repair after it—and that’s exactly where couples therapy can make a profound difference.
The Myth of the Perfect Apology
Most of us know how to say "I'm sorry." Some of us even mean it. But true repair is not just about words. It’s not about saying the “right” thing to smooth something over. It's about understanding what was ruptured, why it hurt, and what’s needed to restore trust and connection.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationship dynamics, found that couples who remain together successfully over the long term aren’t the ones who never fight. They’re the ones who know how to repair. In fact, Gottman identified "repair attempts"—small gestures, words, or actions that de-escalate tension and invite reconnection—as one of the most reliable predictors of relationship longevity. It's not whether we mess up, but whether we know how to come back to each other afterward.
Repair is relational work. It asks both people to turn toward each other—not just toward peace, but toward understanding.
Beyond Apology: The Anatomy of Repair
Real repair starts before the apology. It begins with self-awareness and emotional regulation. Can you slow down enough to recognize when you're reactive? Can you name what's happening inside—your fear, your shame, your grief—instead of defaulting to defensiveness or withdrawal?
This is where psychologist and author Dr. Stan Tatkin's work is illuminating. He explains that when we’re in conflict, we often operate from our “primitive brain”—the part wired for survival. When triggered, we protect ourselves by going into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This is not weakness. It's human. But repair becomes possible only when we come out of that state and return to safety—within ourselves first, and then between us.
Tatkin calls this the “couple bubble,” the sacred container where both partners agree to protect the bond as primary. When we honor that bubble, we don’t just fight to win—we fight to understand. And more importantly, we make repair a regular, ongoing practice.
Repair is not a single moment. It’s a process. It might include:
Taking accountability for specific actions or words without minimizing or excusing them
Naming the impact on your partner, even if it wasn’t your intention
Asking what would help them feel safe, heard, or soothed
Committing to change—not perfection, but growth
Why So Many of Us Were Never Taught This
If repair feels foreign, it’s not because you’re broken. It’s often because you were never shown how.
Maybe conflict in your family meant rage followed by silence. Or maybe apologies came quickly, but the behavior never changed. Maybe you learned to smooth things over, to keep the peace at any cost. Or maybe you were told your emotions were “too much,” so you stopped expressing them altogether.
Many queer folks, survivors of high-control systems, and people healing from religious trauma carry layers of silence and self-abandonment into their relationships. We learned to survive by being invisible, agreeable, or accommodating. In such systems, repair was often a power play—not a mutual act of relational healing.
As couples therapist and writer Terrence Real puts it: “We are all trained for disconnection.” But healing is possible. And learning how to repair—slowly, intentionally—is a form of reclaiming ourselves and our capacity for intimacy.
Conflict Is a Portal
Conflict doesn’t have to be the thing that tears us apart. It can be the very space where we learn to love more fiercely and fully.
Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her powerful book The Dance of Connection, writes that conflict is not a problem to avoid, but a dance that invites us to be both authentic and connected. Repair isn’t about avoiding hard truths—it’s about creating the kind of space where hard truths can be held with dignity and care.
This requires emotional courage. It’s not easy to say, “I hurt you.” Or, “I didn’t show up how I wanted to.” Or, “I was scared, and so I pulled away.” But these are the very moments where intimacy grows.
Repair is a practice of return. Not just to each other, but to our values, to our softness, to our willingness to remain open in the face of pain.
The Relationship as a Living System
Relationships are not contracts. They are living ecosystems. And like any ecosystem, they require tending—especially after a storm.
Repair is how we clear the fallen branches. It's how we replant what’s been uprooted. It’s how we say: “I still choose this. I still choose us.”
This doesn’t mean we avoid boundaries. It doesn’t mean we stay in harmful dynamics or bypass real accountability. On the contrary, repair only works when both people are committed to honesty and mutual responsibility.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do in a relationship is to slow down and ask, “Are we okay?” And then to listen—really listen—to the answer.
Practical Tools for Learning to Repair
If you’re new to this work, here are a few steps you can learn in couples therapy to begin the practice of repair in your relationship:
Pause before reacting
When conflict arises, take a breath. Literally. Slow your body down before engaging. Ask yourself, “Am I speaking from fear or love right now?”
Name the rupture
Acknowledge that something felt off, hurtful, or distant. This doesn’t mean assigning blame. It means saying, “Something happened between us, and I want to talk about it.”
Validate their experience
Even if you don’t fully understand it, try to honor your partner’s emotional reality. “I can see that really impacted you. I want to understand more.”
Own your impact
Avoid defensive phrases like “I didn’t mean to.” Instead try: “I hear that what I said was hurtful. That wasn’t my intention, but I take responsibility for how it landed.”
Offer repair with clarity
Ask what your partner needs. Share what you’re willing to work on. Reconnect physically or emotionally when it feels right—a hand squeeze, a note, an act of kindness.
Revisit the cycle
Repair isn’t a “one and done.” Check back in. Talk about what happened once the emotions have settled. This is where deeper insight and change can emerge.
Why This Matters
In a world that often teaches us to perform perfection, the ability to repair is a radical act. It says: I am human. You are human. We are still worthy of love, even in our mess.
Queer relationships, in particular, exist outside of many societal scripts. That gives us both a challenge and an opportunity. We get to write new relational stories. Stories that center vulnerability, communication, and repair—not shame, punishment, or silent suffering.
One of the hardest, most beautiful things we can do is to turn toward each other when everything in us wants to run.
Because repair is not just about healing the moment—it’s about nurturing the future we want to build together.
Ready to Practice Repair? Begin with Couples Therapy in Minnesota
You don’t have to keep repeating the same arguments or avoiding the hard conversations. At NobleTree Therapy, we offer in-person and online couples therapy in Minnesota that helps partners slow down, name the rupture, and return to one another with greater clarity and care. Repair isn’t just a skill—it’s a choice. And we’re here to help you make that choice with more intention, safety, and support.
Schedule a free consultation to see if we're the right fit
Start where you are—with the willingness to try again, together.
Other Therapy Services at NobleTree Therapy in Minnesota
At NobleTree Therapy, we offer care that honors not just the pain of disconnection—but the quiet courage it takes to keep reaching for something more. Our work is rooted in deep respect for the lived experiences of queer, neurodivergent, and spiritually impacted individuals across Minneapolis, St. Paul, and beyond. Whether you’re navigating relational rupture, emotional overwhelm, or the lingering impact of high-control environments, we’re here to walk with you toward healing—not perfection.
Alongside couples therapy, we offer LGBTQIA+ affirming individual therapy, support for religious and spiritual trauma, and space to explore identity with depth and safety. We also work with clients moving through grief, burnout, and chronic patterns of self-abandonment—offering support that helps you slow down, build internal trust, and come back to yourself.
You don’t need to show up with answers. You don’t need to explain why it matters. You just need to show up—and we’ll meet you with care.
About the Author
Kendra Snyder, MA, LMFT, NCC (she/her) is the founder of NobleTree Therapy and a licensed trauma therapist in Minnesota and Colorado. With over ten years of experience, she works with individuals and couples navigating the messiness of conflict, the weight of unspoken feelings, and the slow work of learning to come back to one another with care. Her approach blends depth-oriented, somatic, and relational therapy to support nervous system regulation and emotional reconnection.
Kendra specializes in working with those healing from religious trauma, attachment wounds, and identity disconnection—including queer folks, adoptees, and creatives. As both a therapist and a survivor, she brings steadiness to moments that feel fragile and disorienting. She believes that repair is a practice, not a performance—and that showing up with honesty and intention can be one of the most sacred things we do in love.