How to Talk About Open Relationships or Polyamory in Queer Couples Therapy
For many queer couples, monogamy isn’t a given—it’s a choice. But it’s not always a choice we’ve felt empowered to explore, especially if we carry layers of trauma, religious messaging, or cultural shame about what intimacy “should” look like. So when one or both partners begin to wonder about open relationships, polyamory, or some form of non-monogamy, the conversation can bring both curiosity and fear. It might feel like an invitation toward deeper authenticity—or like the ground beneath the relationship is shifting. In queer couples therapy, these conversations don’t have to be terrifying. In fact, with the right support, they can open up new possibilities for honesty, connection, and self-understanding.
But to get there, we have to talk—not just about sex or freedom or jealousy, but about power, attachment, safety, and what we’ve learned about love.
This blog explores how queer couples therapy can help you talk about open relationships or polyamory in a way that is trauma-informed, emotionally honest, and rooted in mutual care.
Why Even Bring It Up? Because You Matter
In queer relationships, many of us already know what it means to live outside dominant scripts. We’ve had to write our own stories in so many ways—around gender, desire, family, and identity. So it’s no surprise that some of us also want to question the script of monogamy.
But naming that out loud can still be hard. Maybe you’re afraid your partner will feel hurt, rejected, or not “enough.” Or maybe you’re the partner hearing the words, and your body tenses with fear. What will this mean for us? Am I being abandoned? Is this a betrayal—or just a truth we weren’t ready to face until now?
Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), reminds us that beneath most conflict is a longing for safety and closeness. So when conversations about non-monogamy arise, it’s not just about sex or logistics—it’s about the attachment bond between you. A couples therapist in Minneapolis that is trained in queer-affirming, trauma-informed care can help you hold that bond with care while also creating space for honest exploration.
Start With the Why—And Go Deeper Than Desire
It’s common to frame non-monogamy around sexual freedom. But in couples therapy, the most meaningful conversations often start with a deeper “why.”
Why is this coming up now? Is it connected to a personal awakening around gender or desire? A shift in libido? A longing for more spaciousness, creativity, or fluidity in your life? A sense that your relationship roles are constricting? A need to repair something—perhaps even within yourself—that’s been numb or hidden for too long?
Esther Perel speaks about eroticism not just as sex, but as the “poetic expression of our deepest needs.” When someone brings up the possibility of opening a relationship, it’s rarely just about other people—it’s about wanting to feel more alive, seen, or empowered.
In therapy, we make space for those longings without rushing into decisions. We honor the complexity, the nuance, and the deep emotional work it often takes to say, “This is something I need to talk about. Not because I don’t love you—but because I want to be fully honest with myself.”
If You’re the One Who Wants to Explore Non-Monogamy
Start by grounding yourself in your intentions. Couples therapy is a place to ask yourself: What are you hoping to feel, experience, or understand by opening up? Are you seeking freedom from shame, an expression of queerness, or a new way to heal disconnection?
Name your fears, too. Are you afraid of your partner’s reaction? Do you worry you’re being selfish? Have you internalized cultural messages that say you shouldn’t want more than one love?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy teaches that we all have many inner “parts”—some that want safety, some that long for expression, and others that just want to be understood. Bringing your whole self into the therapy space—including your uncertainty—allows for deeper clarity. You don’t have to arrive with all the answers. You just have to show up honestly.
If You’re the Partner Hearing It for the First Time
Hearing your partner express interest in non-monogamy can bring up grief, confusion, or even rage. Those reactions are valid. They deserve compassion—not shame.
In queer couples therapy, we slow this conversation down. We explore what your body is feeling, what attachment wounds may be activated, and what meaning you’re making of this moment. For example, is your fear about being left—or about losing a version of the relationship that once felt safe?
As Stan Tatkin teaches, couples thrive when they become “secure functioning”—meaning both partners work to protect the relationship, not just themselves. Therapy helps you both understand that exploring non-monogamy doesn’t have to mean abandoning your connection—it can be a way to deepen it, if it’s done with care, transparency, and shared agreements.
The Role of the Couples Therapist: More Than a Referee
In queer couples therapy, the couples therapist is not a judge or referee. Their job is not to say whether non-monogamy is “good” or “bad,” but to help you both understand what’s alive in each of you—and how to communicate without losing connection.
Queer couples therapists trained in working with LGBTQIA+ clients know that many of us carry trauma from religious teachings, heteronormative pressures, or previous relational harm. So instead of rushing to problem-solve, your therapist might slow things down. They might say, “Let’s pause here. What are you noticing in your body right now?” Or, “What story are you telling yourself about what your partner just said?”
This approach fosters nervous-system safety, not just cognitive understanding. Because when our bodies feel safe, our hearts are more willing to stay open—even in hard conversations.
Practical Tools You Might Use in Therapy
Values Mapping: Explore your individual and shared values around love, honesty, sex, family, and time. This helps clarify what matters most before talking about structures or rules.
Attachment Dialogue: Use structured conversations to express fears, needs, and hopes. Your therapist might guide you to say things like, “When I think about you loving someone else, I feel ________ and I need ________ to feel safe.”
Boundaries & Agreements: If you decide to explore non-monogamy, therapy can help you co-create agreements rooted in mutual respect, not control or fear.
Somatic Awareness: Pay attention to how your body responds during these talks. What sensations arise when you imagine certain possibilities? Your body may carry wisdom your mind hasn’t put into words yet.
You’re Not Alone—and You’re Not Broken
Many queer couples explore some version of non-monogamy—not because they’re dissatisfied, but because they are deeply attuned to their evolving selves and their capacity for multiple forms of connection. Talking about it doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means you’re willing to do the work of being real with each other.
As LGBTQIA+ writer Meg-John Barker reminds us, relationships are living things. They don’t stay fixed. They grow, shift, and change shape—just like we do. And therapy offers a brave space to notice those changes without jumping to conclusions.
Whether you choose to remain monogamous or not, the deeper goal is authenticity, care, and mutual empowerment. You deserve relationships that are both expansive and safe. And you deserve a place to talk about them, without shame.
Final Thought
Opening up a conversation about non-monogamy or polyamory can feel vulnerable. But it’s also a chance to deepen your connection—to yourself, to each other, and to the kind of love you want to grow. In queer couples therapy, you don’t have to choose between freedom and closeness. You get to co-create something that honors both.
Could Queer Couples Therapy in Minneapolis, St. Paul, & Across MN Support Your Conversations About Polyamory or Open Relationships?
When questions about non-monogamy or polyamory feel both exciting and terrifying, it doesn’t mean your love is broken—it may simply mean your relationship is asking for deeper honesty, more safety, and new ways of connecting. At NobleTree Therapy, our queer couples therapists in Minneapolis, St. Paul, and across Minnesota offer trauma-informed, identity-affirming care for couples navigating conversations about openness, attachment, and trust. Together, we slow things down so both of you can explore your longings, fears, and boundaries without losing connection to each other.
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Learn more about couples therapy at NobleTree
Come as you are. There’s space here for authenticity, love, and possibility.
Other Therapy Services Offered at NobleTree Therapy in St. Paul, MN
At NobleTree Therapy, we honor the complexity of queer relationships, families, and individuals across Minnesota who are asking brave questions about love, identity, and belonging. Whether you’re navigating the tender work of exploring open relationships, healing from religious shame, or finding language for who you are becoming, this is a space where curiosity and vulnerability are welcomed.
In addition to queer couples therapy, our practice offers LGBTQIA+ affirming support, compassionate identity exploration, care for those untangling spiritual and relational trauma, and guidance for partners and families facing transition or loss. We don’t believe in quick fixes—we believe in creating the safety, depth, and compassion you need to explore new possibilities and reconnect with your most authentic self.
About the Author
Kendra Snyder, MA, LMFT, NCC (she/her) is the founder of NobleTree Therapy and a licensed trauma therapist offering care across Minnesota and Colorado. For more than a decade, she has walked alongside individuals and queer couples as they navigate the layered terrain of identity, intimacy, and relational safety—including the tender questions that arise around open relationships and polyamory. Her work is rooted in somatic, depth-oriented, and attachment-focused therapy, creating space not just to talk, but to pause, feel, and carefully tend to what lives beneath the surface.
Kendra specializes in supporting those untangling religious trauma, chronic misattunement, and identity fragmentation—including LGBTQIA+ folks, adoptees, and anyone reshaping the stories they were handed. As both clinician and survivor, she meets each narrative with reverence and compassion. In her couples work, she brings steadiness and care to conversations about love, authenticity, and connection—trusting that relationships grow most deeply not through perfection, but through presence, repair, and the courage to name what is real.