Can Love Feel Safe Again? Healing Relational Trauma Through Somatic Couples Therapy in St. Paul, MN
Love—when it’s truly alive—is like a tree: rooted, steady, reaching toward the light, offering shelter and growth. But what happens when that tree has been shaken by storms of relational trauma? When what promised safety becomes a place of trembling leaves, brittle branches, or tangled roots. For many couples here in the Twin Cities area—this is the paradox: Two people who love each other deeply yet feel unsafe in that love. They long for a sheltering forest and instead find a fragile sapling in the wind. For some partners, somatic couples therapy in St. Paul becomes the grounded place where those shaken roots are gently tended, and where the body can start to remember what safety in love feels like again.
In this blog, I’m writing from a place of deep compassion and belief in the possibility of healing. I am rooted in the metaphor of the tree of identity, of connection, of resilience. As couples therapists, as partners, as human beings, we ask: Can love feel safe again? And more specifically: How can private pay somatic couples therapy support the healing of relational trauma, here in St. Paul, MN?
I’ll draw on the voices of prominent therapeutic frameworks—including Sue Johnson and her work in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment injuries; the neuro- and somatic-informed work of Peter A. Levine and somatic experiencing; and more contemporary relational embodied voices. I’ll offer clear examples, concrete language, and a compassionate tone—because this is not just about theory, but about your living, breathing relationship.
1. Why “safe” matters—and how relational trauma can erode it
What we mean by safety
In a healthy relationship, safety doesn’t just mean “no conflict.” It means being able to show up vulnerable, to say “I need you,” to know the other responds with availability, care, and attunement. Underlying that is the idea of attachment: that each partner becomes a safe base and haven for the other. Sue Johnson’s work reminds us that adult love is in many ways an attachment bond, not just a romantic choice.
When couples feel safe, they can turn toward each other in distress, offer comfort, repair ruptures, and deepen connection. They can grow together.
What relational trauma does
Relational trauma in a couple context emerges when one partner—or both—experience repeated ruptures of trust, abandonment, unhealed wounds from the past, or ongoing patterns of disconnection. According to Johnson and colleagues, an attachment injury occurs when one partner violates the expectation that the other will offer comfort and caring in times of danger or distress (see https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11314548/ for research on this topic). In other words: “You said you’d be there—and I needed you—and you weren’t.” The result: a wound in the relationship bond.
When that wound is unresolved, the tree of your relational identity doesn’t simply bend—it breaks. The roots lose contact with the nourishing soil of trust; partners become guarded, defensive, disconnected. A partner might withdraw, another might pursue. The nervous system shifts into survival mode rather than growth mode.
Why the body remembers
We often think of trauma as memory or emotion—but trauma is also held in the body. Somatic therapy reminds us that our nervous systems map relational experiences. The body keeps score. For instance, the work of Peter Levine in Somatic Experiencing highlights how trauma traps the body (and mind) in a state of constant alert and distress—affecting how we relate, how we communicate, how we feel in closeness. Click here for further information about Somatic Experiencing.
In somatic couples therapy, this means we can have two people who want connection, love, closeness—but whose nervous systems keep telling them: “Danger. Get out. Protect yourself.” That’s the landscape we’re working in when we ask: “Can love feel safe again?”
2. Locating the problem: What might you be seeing in your relationship
Let’s paint some scenarios—ones that many couples in the St. Paul area (and beyond) have experienced. These aren’t just isolated “bad fights”—they’re underlying patterns of relational trauma.
Example A: The “freeze–withdraw” pattern
Imagine Jordan and Taylor. They love each other. But when Taylor is upset, Jordan shuts down. Jordan’s body tightens, chest feels heavy, words stick. Taylor interprets it as indifference and tries harder to get Jordan to open up. Jordan feels overwhelmed, retreats further. The cycle repeats. Safety? Feels far away.
What’s going on might be: Jordan’s nervous system remembers earlier relational pain (maybe a childhood parent who left emotionally), and when Taylor’s upset, Jordan’s system says: “This feels unsafe. I respond by shutting down.” Taylor’s system says, “I can’t reach you. I feel alone.” Over time, both lose faith in safety—even though they do love each other.
Example B: The “pursue–criticize/defend–withdraw” dance
Riley and Sam adore each other. But whenever Sam brings up money concerns, Riley gets defensive: “You don’t trust me.” Sam withdraws: “I don’t feel heard.” Then tension builds. Sam accuses Riley of not caring; Riley says Sam is harsh. They fight, make up, and later there’s distance.
Here, relational trauma might be at play: perhaps Sam grew up with unpredictability about resources; Riley grew up being shamed for emotional expression. When money—or any trigger—arises, the nervous systems react: old wounds, caution, shame become alive. Safety feels broken.
Example C: Intimacy & body disconnect
Alex and Casey are committed, queer-affirming, navigating a blended family in St. Paul. But Casey feels distant when Alex reaches for physical affection. Alex feels rejected. Casey says they feel “numb” or “seen as an object”. They long for closeness but feel separate.
This can signal trauma stored in the body: Intimacy and touch become entangled with activation of the nervous system: fear, dissociation, and previous relational injuries. Somatic therapy invites both partners to bring the body into the room—not just words.
3. Somatic couples therapy: What it is—and why it helps
Let’s talk about the approach that promises that tree-regrowth: somatic couples therapy. This is not just “talking about feelings”—it involves bodies, nervous systems, and relational fields.
What is “somatic couples therapy”?
“Somatic” means “body”. So somatic therapy intentionally involves awareness of bodily sensations, movement, breath, and nervous system regulation. In the couples context, somatic couples therapy means:
Helping each partner notice their bodily experience (e.g., breath quickening, chest tightness, throat closing) in relationship moments.
Exploring how those sensations link to past relational trauma and current patterns (e.g., withdrawal, pursuit, freeze).
Guiding both partners to regulate their nervous systems (grounding, co-regulation) so they can show up safely.
Supporting new relational experiences where the body says, “Here, I can relax. Here, I can show myself.”
For example, in Bay Area CBT Center’s article on somatic couples therapy, they note: “...trauma is addressed by recognizing and including the body in the healing process. … grounding exercises help couples overcome flashbacks, anxiety, and dissociation symptoms… improve emotional and physical intimacy.” Read the whole article here.
Why it matters
Because relational trauma is held in the body. If we only talk about it, we may never fully access the lived imprint in the nervous system. Somatic work offers a way into that less-verbal, pre-verbal realm.
Because safety is felt, not just thought. Your cerebral mind might know “I’m safe,” but your body must register it for you to feel safe. Somatic work helps register, “My body is at ease with you.”
Because relationship repair is something you do, not just something you say. The tree doesn’t regrow by talking—it regrows by roots, by sap flow, by branch regeneration. In private pay, somatic couples therapy, you practice new relational patterns in real time—via the body, via attunement, via experiential moments.
Because repair involves the nervous system co-regulating. In couples therapy, we often speak of “co-regulation” (one partner helps the other regulate, and vice versa). When one partner is in dysregulation (fight, flight, freeze), the other helps bring the nervous system toward regulation. That’s essential for safety.
A snapshot of how it might look
In a session here in St. Paul:
The couples therapist invites both partners to notice what’s happening in their bodies when conflict arises (e.g., “What happens in your belly? Your throat? Your arms?”).
They pause at a moment of tension, slow the pace, and invite the noticing (“When you said that, what did your body do?”).
The therapist then guides a simple regulation exercise (e.g., shifting posture, breath, noticing partner’s presence).
The couple practices a repair interaction—not just saying “I’m sorry” but doing a physical orientation: facing each other with soft eyes, hand on lap, partner acknowledging bodily presence
Homework might include short body-scans, simple partner-grounding rituals (for example, sitting side by side and noticing breath together for a minute each evening).
If your relationship has been haunted by relational trauma—even if it doesn’t feel diagnosable—the somatic component invites both of you to feel safe in each other’s presence again, beyond words.
4. Blending attachment-focused couples work with somatic awareness
It’s often helpful to see how somatic couples therapy builds on attachment-based couples work. Two influential voices: Sue Johnson (EFT) and Stan Tatkin (PACT).
Attachment injuries and their repair
As mentioned earlier, attachment injuries occur when a partner doesn’t adequately create a safe haven or safe environment for the other in a time of emotional need. Then, the key becomes repair: helping partners acknowledge the injury, express vulnerable needs, respond in a secure-attachment way, and rebuild the bond. See further exploration of this idea through Soul Care’s blog on “Healing an Attachment Injury”.
Sue Johnson’s EFT model offers three major phases: de-escalation of negative cycles, restructuring the bond, and consolidation of new interaction patterns. When couples are dealing with trauma, these phases require a somatic lens: the body must be brought into the attachment work, because the attachment system is bottom-up as well as top-down.
PACT and neuro-biological / somatic considerations
Stan Tatkin’s PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) highlights how a couple’s nervous systems and attachment histories create survival strategies that now interfere with the relationship. This aligns seamlessly with somatic work: the body remembers, the system reacts, even when the mind says “We’re good.”
Thus, somatic couples therapy in St. Paul can weave together:
Attachment theory (safe base, attunement, repair)
Nervous system regulation (grounding, co-regulation, body awareness)
Experiential practice (moment-by-moment noticing, doing new things together)
5. What healing might look like—in your daily life
Let’s translate all of this into what you might experience. Because healing isn’t an abstract concept—it’s the warmth of a body sitting beside another, the softening of shoulders, the reaching when you feel afraid.
First stage: Recognizing that the trees are bent
At the beginning, both partners may feel: “We love each other—but it doesn’t feel safe.” You might say things like:
“When you raise your voice, I shrink.”
“I’m always watching you because I don’t trust what you’ll do.”
“I want to lean into you, but I still carry my old wounds and I’m afraid I’ll break you—or get broken.”
Therapy might ask you to map: “What is our negative dance?” “What triggers fear or shut-down in me? In you?” You begin to notice bodily cues: your throat tightens, your belly sinks, your thoughts go blank.
Second stage: Cultivating new roots
As you ground yourselves in somatic awareness, you begin to shift patterns:
Partner A notices their breath quickening and says: “I’m going tight in my chest right now—I’m afraid you’ll leave.”
Partner B pauses, puts a hand softly on Partner A’s arm, and says: “Thank you for telling me. I’m here with you.”
You do a two-minute ritual each evening: sitting quietly, side by side, noticing breath, checking in with each other’s bodies.
You start cultivating “safe somatic moments” where your nervous system registers: “I can relax near you.” The tree begins to lean back toward the sun.
Third stage: Deepening and flourishing
Over time, you notice:
Conflicts still happen, but you recover faster. You may pause and say: “My system got activated. Let’s step back for two minutes.”
Touch becomes richer—not just erotic but heartfelt. One partner places a hand lightly on the other’s shoulder with a soft notice of sensation: “I feel the warmth in your skin. I feel you here.”
You begin to create ritual, motion, habit: maybe a walk around Harriet Island in St. Paul, arms brushing, silence allowed, noticing each other’s breath and the river.
The tree grows stronger: you feel safer together. You lean into one another rather than away.
6. Why St. Paul (and the Twin Cities) is a good place for this work
Here in the Twin Cities region, we’re lucky to have a rich culture of relational and trauma-informed therapy, and we can access therapists trained in somatic, attachment, and couples work. As you navigate therapy in St. Paul, here are a few things to keep in mind:
Affirming space: If you are LGBTQIA+, poly-, or otherwise non-traditional in relationship, seek a couples therapist who is competent and affirming.
Somatic and body-aware work: Many therapists now offer couples work that includes nervous-system regulation, body awareness, and attunement—so you don’t just talk about your feelings but feel them and repair them.
Relational trauma sensitivity: Choose a therapist who understands relational trauma (not just conflict resolution). Look for words like “attachment injury,” “somatic regulation,” and “co-regulation.”
Rituals tied to place: Use local places to anchor rituals—walks in Como Park, sitting by the Mississippi River, cozy cafés in St. Paul where you pause and check in. Your environment becomes part of the healing landscape.
Community connectedness: Healing relational trauma often connects to healing individual trauma and community trauma. Being in the Midwest, and especially the Twin Cities, we have a strong network of trauma-informed providers.
7. Practical tools you can begin now
Even before you schedule sessions, there are practices you can begin tonight, together.
Tool 1: Body check-in
Once a day—ideally when not triggered—sit facing each other (or side by side). Each partner answers silently or aloud: “What do I feel in my body right now?” Notice sensation, like “tight in throat,” “butterflies,” “warm belly,” “cold hands.” Then one partner says: “Thank you for telling me.” The other partner says: “I hear you. I’m here with you.” Two minutes.
Tool 2: Grounding ritual
When conflict arises, both partners pause. One says: “Pause.” Both place feet flat, feel weight on floor, breathe in for four counts, out for six, three times. Then re‐engage with a softer tone: “I feel activated. I’m noticing ___ in my body. Can we step back for a moment or proceed slowly?” This takes the nervous system out of survival mode.
Tool 3: Touch with awareness
Commit to a twenty-second non-sexual touch daily: hand on partner’s lap, or back of shoulder, or holding hands. While doing it, silently notice your body: “What do I feel? Am I tense or relaxed?” Then both express to each other: “I feel connected when I’m with you like this.” These tiny moments reinforce the safety pathway.
Tool 4: Repair phrase
When a rupture occurs (and it will), make a simple phrase: “I saw (or felt) ___ happen between us. I feel ___ in my body right now. I want us to be safe again.” Use this before blame or avoidance, as an entry point to repair.
8. Invitation: The tree still stands—it can regrow
If you are reading this and thinking: Yes—but I don’t know if we can be safe again, I invite you to hold both truth and hope. Yes: There has been trauma. Yes: The tree may have lost branches, the roots may have been scorched. And also: The roots are still alive. The soil still holds nutrients. The potential for regrowth is real.
Somatic couples therapy offers a path not just to fix what’s broken—but to create something new: a body-wise, nervous-system-aware, attachment-rooted, safety-cultivating partnership. Here in St. Paul, you don’t have to walk this path alone.
In the mythology of trees, the ones that survive the storm are not untouched—they are those that bend and remain rooted. They lean back into the ground. They reach again.
I believe your relationship can begin to feel safe again, not because the past is erased—but because you both learn how to sit together in the storm, attend to each other’s nervous systems, repair when you falter, and build ritual, body awareness, and attunement.
Could Somatic Couples Therapy in St. Paul, Minneapolis, & Across MN Help Your Love Feel Safe Again?
When your body tenses around your partner, when old wounds flare up in the middle of everyday moments, it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—it means your nervous systems are asking for care. Somatic couples therapy gently slows things down, making room for both of you to notice what’s happening inside, name what still hurts, and practice new ways of reaching for each other with more safety and less fear. At NobleTree Therapy, our (private pay) somatic couples therapy in St. Paul, Minneapolis, and across Minnesota offers trauma-informed, identity-affirming support for partners who want love to feel steady, grounded, and real again. Together, we’ll create a space where your bodies can exhale, your stories can be held with respect, and your connection can begin to heal at a pace that honors you both.
Let’s connect—schedule a free consultation
Learn more about private pay somatic couples therapy at NobleTree
You don’t have to do this alone. Let’s begin.
Other Therapy Services Offered at NobleTree Therapy in St. Paul, MN
At NobleTree Therapy, we walk alongside individuals, couples, and families across Minnesota who are tending to the slow, ongoing work of healing—especially when relationships haven’t always felt safe. Somatic couples therapy in St. Paul, MN, is one way we help you reconnect with your body, your boundaries, and each other, but it’s not the only path we offer toward feeling more grounded and at home in yourself.
In addition to private pay somatic couples therapy, we offer LGBTQIA+ affirming care, support for those carrying religious trauma and spiritual wounding, companionship in grief that doesn’t always have a clear name, and space for identity or creative exploration. Whether you’re learning to unhook from old relational patterns, gently meeting the places that still brace for impact, or wondering if love can feel steady again, our work honors your complexity, your resilience, and a pace of healing that doesn’t ask you to rush.
About the Author
Kendra Snyder, MA, LMFT, NCC (she/her) is the founder of NobleTree Therapy and a licensed trauma therapist serving Minnesota and Colorado. For more than a decade, she has walked with individuals and couples who are trying to make sense of relational trauma, attachment wounds, and the nervous system patterns that make love feel risky or out of reach. Her work is grounded in somatic, depth-oriented, and attachment-focused approaches, inviting people to slow down, notice what’s happening in their bodies, and gently explore what lives underneath shutdown, anxiety, and conflict—especially in the therapy room and in their closest relationships.
Kendra’s practice is especially attuned to those healing from religious trauma, chronic misattunement, and identity fragmentation—including LGBTQIA+ folks, adoptees, and anyone reimagining a life beyond the stories they were given. As both clinician and survivor, she meets every story with warmth, respect, and a deep belief that safety can be rebuilt over time. In her couples work and somatic couples therapy in St. Paul, MN, Kendra trusts that love doesn’t grow from getting it “right,” but from shared curiosity, honest repair when harm happens, and the ongoing choice to meet one another as you are—right now.